'Woman' what does it mean?

 

 

Artist: Elen Winata

'Woman' what does it mean? 

When people called me a woman I used to feel extremely uncomfortable; being refered to as a girl, lady or female I was fine with, but the idea of a woman always had a foreign feeling in my gut and settled on my shoulders like a heavy scarf of inadequacy and unfulfilment.

Because a woman was certain things which I was not and I was certain did not characterize me;

Nurturing

Kind 

Gentle 

Careful 

Modest 

Humble  

These are a few words I thought defined a 'woman' 

While growing up, I associated them with 'women' but not with women I knew; they were the depictions written in obituaries and on birthday pamphlets, in biography's and book summaries however, these were not the significant line of reasoning I linked with the 'women' I knew. 

This assemblage shaped the pillar of my knowledge of who a woman was, what she ought to be like and what she should aspire to be. Good thing I was a young girl, so I left all of these principles for the 'women' in my life to figure out and fuss over, to me it was a far off blur I would have to deal with as I got older. 

Santiago from the Alchemist once said that people have a clear idea of how others should live, but none about his or her own; this thought I find exceptionally evident, it was so in the desert as it is in suburbia. Women around me always told me to do this and that, because good girls grow up into responsible women.  Their reproach as a child birthed in me the idea that they did not like me very much. To my juvenile mind, how could limiting my sense of speech or atrocious experiments in any way become a source of happiness to me in the future? 

Artist: Egle Zvirblyte

Like I said, there were ideas I had on womanhood and what it entailed from a figurative perspective in light of the fact thatthe women I knew where not overly kind or careful or very modest and humble; definitely they were human, so they portrayed some of these traits but since they were human, they also made mistakes and did not fit neatly into this mould of a 'woman' I had heard so much about seated in the pews. 

It was later in life that I came to the realization that I had subconsciously come to separate the terms 'womanhood' and 'adult female' in my head (and trust me adult female seemed more enticing) I would be a woman when I grew older, all grown up females would eventually be women and just like butterflies go through metamorphosis, magically all these traits would fall upon me and I would be perfect and kind and loving and sweet, just as I was supposed to be. 

I did not know when the change would happen, yet it unquestionably would, on the grounds that it was expected, if not however was I going to become a woman? In this way, I did not trouble myself with the notion and instead focused on getting older, I was spectacularly  content I must add. 

But my euphoria lasted only a while and as I settled into the looming halls of University, reality set in. It was a huge shock and I believe that was my first experience of cultural dsymorphia. I can remember hating myself, feeling angry and betrayed, hating my school, hating all the people because I did not fit in. I wasn't friendly enough, nice enough wealthy enough or didn't wear enough make up or too much (mind you, a lot of them didn't care if I was smart enough or not) At on point someone accused me of being too child like and lacking any feminine charm. (yeas I used accused because it felt too personal and a raw observation) 

This brought me back to one of the ever circling questions from my childhood 'what exactly does it mean to be a woman?' Was it dictated in the way I talked or acted or thought, clearly just growing older was not the defining factor in my case. 

I waited for that magic-like fairy god mother to come to me in a dream, then I would wake up with an awareness providing all the answers to the universe, thus making me the loved and adored 'woman' my mind had constructed for me. 

Side note: That didn't happen, it's okay now, but it wasn't okay then, because I felt like I was lacking and the world had no prepared me for what was to come, whatever happened to ‘be yourself? I pondered a lot at that time. I'm turning 22 soon and I've learnt that life, adulthood and womanhood have no manuals, everything I thought should be were merely people's expectations and beliefs and not entirely reality, as I cannot clearly point out one 'woman'. We're all just grown up females who see the world in terms of what we would like to see and not what actually is.